Listen, I have plenty to say about the ladies of online dating too, but fellas.. this one is all for you! I honestly believe that most of you are better than the version projected by your online dating profile. I want to help you meet singles and understand why you’re a) attracting the “wrong” women or b) not attracting any women at all.

So, what are the seven things that make your online dating profile the worst? Let’s start with number one:

1. Your Terrible Username

This includes sexual innuendos, lewd jokes/puns, and anything with “69″ in it. This is your first impression. Think about it – before we ever even think about clicking through and checking out your online dating profile, we are confronted by your username. That means it is the difference between our first thought of you being “ha, that’s a cute pun, how endearing” or being “ew, oh god, no.”

You could be the hottest man alive, but if your username is super lame or offensive, we’re going to skip right past you.

Remedy: Spend some time thinking about a good username. I know with the popularity of online dating it can be hard to find a username that hasn’t already been taken, but if you’re serious about meeting singles and being successful at online dating it has to be done. Also avoid adding numbers to a username just because you really want it. “JohnSmith” sounds just fine, but “JohnSmith489382″… kind of lame.

2. Bad Spelling & Grammar

No, we’re not all “grammar nazis” – a confused “you/you’re” in a quick text or a misspelled word during rapid-fire instant messaging isn’t going to be cause for a war. But when you have all the time in the world to write, re-write, and edit your online dating profile, there’s no excuse for this level of spelling and grammar mistakes. You might not think much of it, but it sends a message of “I don’t care to put effort into anything I do.”

Remedy: Spend time thinking about how you want to portray yourself and what things you want to include in your online dating profile in order to show off you best attributes. Now write with that in mind. When you’re done, re-write it. Then throw everything through spell check. Re-read it. Re-read it again. Go away, go to sleep, and come back in the morning to re-read it once more. I know it’s tempting to get it done as quickly as possible because of the excitement and anticipation of starting online dating, but trust me, it will make all the difference. It doesn’t hurt to get fresh eyes to look at it either! Ask your most academic friend to give it a glance before you put it into the world.

3. You Don’t Own Shirts

Oh, you do? I would have never guessed from your bounty of shirtless profile photos. I was actually worried there might be a cotton shortage or something.

Remedy: Just.. stop. We don’t want it. We’ll never want it. Take photos that show off your fashionable side (or what little there is of one). A cute outfit will do – no need to go full-blown tuxedo here. If you put in just a little effort you can find tons of great sites for casual men’s00 fashion tips – try Esquire or GQ. And a nice change in fashion may very well help you meet singles everywhere, not just online.

4. You Think You’re Funny

And you may very well be. Unfortunately, a lot is lost in translation and you’re more likely to come off unintelligent, rude, or snarky.

Remedy: Instead, try show that you’re light-hearted. Answer all the questions properly and honestly, but without getting too serious. Use antidotes and stories instead of jokes.

5. Not Enough Information

Not only does little information scream that you don’t take this seriously, but it also gives us nothing to work with. There’s no opening in which to sneak in. How will we even know we’re interest in you? What are we supposed to message you about? They ask for these questions to be answered on your profile for a reason.

Remedy: Take some time to actually think about and articulate your goddamn answers, dude.

6. Too Much Information

You took my last point to heart a little too much. Some things… are better left unsaid.

Remedy: Dial it back a bit.

7. You Love Your Dick

And that’s great. Positive body image is a wonderful thing. But, save it for now. We want to hear about you and your personality and your interests. If you’re looking for quick sex or a fuck buddy, you need to be using different sites.

Every time I read something like that all I can think about is that scene with Paul Rudd in Wanderlust and my face gets all scrunched up and I think “nope, nope, nope, ALL the nope.”